| Goodness, I didn't realize it has been a month since I've been on here. Life here has been a tad overwhelming lately so I can see how the month has slipped by. Hubby and I had our first counseling session together (we have been going to the same counselor separately) 2 weeks ago. It went very well. It is strange how something that could have ripped your life into, along with your heart very easily, is mendable when 2 people whole heartedly want the same thing. Lives get comfortable, one or both begin taking the other for granted, you work so hard to not upset the other and stay happy that you lose yourself completely in the mix. This is what happened to us both. For 16 out of 18 yrs I've known that hubby has had a womanizing problem but somehow brushed it aside due to him taking care of home. That is until about 2 years ago when I started having enough and was confronting the women instead of him and he started straightening up....or so I thought. Three days after my hysterectomy, I came across some lab paperwork that our doctor had ran on hubby and found out he had been diagnosed with gonorrehea BEFORE my surgery. Peeps, I cannot tell you the extreme fear, anger, hurt, betrayal, or disgust I felt. My doc brought me in immediately, ran tests, treated me and helped calm me down. I hated my husband cheating on me but the worst part for me was him letting me go into surgery knowing he had something and if it had gotten in my bloodstream it could have killed me before they could have found out what it was. (Per my doc) For a little over 2 weeks I only spoke to my husband when necessary. Our home was in a turmoil. The kids were on edge all the time and I cried and cried and cried. During this time he would call all day long, wanting to talk, crying, destitute, and so worried. I was glad. He deserved it and a whole lot more. Then when I told him that I've been dealing with this woman or that one for the last 16 yrs, regardless of sexual relations or not, just him needing to be everyone's white knight, that I just didn't know if I could even make it back from this one. I've never caught him, almost but not quite, but this time there was no denying that he didn't do something. He was devastated. He told me that he didn't even think about me leaving. I told him that was because I led him to believe I never would by never standing my ground, but enough was enough. This was the ultimate betrayal. I told him I was starting counseling and wanted to work through my emotions before making a final decision. It was not an easy decision. It was harder than the decision I made to stay 15 yrs ago when he was actually having an affair I found out about with a co-worker. So, I chose to stay. Why? Simply, because I love my husband and he has and still is proving to me that our family is what is important to him. If he had not made the efforts he is making now I would have left in a minute. But he told me he would do anything to keep our marriage together and he has followed through on that. He is in counseling (voluntary) and actually enjoys it. I had tried numerous times over the years to get him to go and he refused to go. I didn't even ask him this time, he called on his own and started going. The 2 women that I found out he was talking to he told them in front of me to not call, text, or contact him in any fashion ever again. Again, this was something he did on his own. We are completely and totally honest with each other now. No stepping on eggshells trying not to upset the other, that's tossed out the window. I told him that if there is anything I can say that would make him want to leave then he needs to start stepping. I hold nothing back now, happiness, anger, disappointment, resentment, pride, joy, etc. Nothing.....and he does the same. We were so busy trying not to upset the other and trying to keep each other happy without knowing how, that we were driving each other apart. I was giving him so much "sex", because I thought that was why he was cheating, that it became a chore like cleaning or laundry. And come to find out, through counseling, it wasn't even that, he was missing the emotion of me wanting him. Well how could I want him when I was doing it to keep him home. You see? If we had been communicating then that probably wouldn't have happened. We are communicating better now than we ever have, with each other and the kids. I'm glad because he is a good man, husband (overall) and daddy and I love him. But, he is fully aware that if anything, and I mean anything, occurs with another woman ever again, it is over. We sat down with the counselor and she made sure with me that he understood this. He said he does and I believe him, because of his actions. Many things can drive you apart. It takes courage, drive, love, want, and many other things to hold it together. We are going through many trials and tribulations right now with this, money, jobs, illness, etc. but we will come out on top, together as a family, through Christ. We have made alot of spiritual changes in our home too. Simple to some, but big to us. The devil is upset and trying to beat us down, but that's ok because Christ is on our side and regardless of what we lose one thing we won't lose is each other. Along with all this, my fibro has flared up. I hurt 95% of the time, I'm extremely forgetful lately, and I've had some migranes along with it. Thank God, I haven't had to miss work. This is one reason I've stop trying to change jobs right now. I'm concentrating on getting my health back together and then proceeding on if that what God has planned for me. I didn't tell you all this for sympathy or pity, I told you because I do feel guilty for not visiting you all more and I value the friendships we have. I wanted you to know some of what has been happening to keep me away and also it feels good to exhale. I do miss you all and am truly sorry I haven't been around to much. I pray I get better at being a friend. I pray you all are patient and forgiving. I'm ending this for now and hope to be back before long. No promises this time because life is just too unpredictable. I do hope you all are doing wonderful and life is treating you well. Please pray and don't be afraid to pray because prayer is powerful and changes things. Just release your heart......He hears you. I know.  ~ttyl~ |
